When I was little, I never wanted to be a princess. Never. I never thought about Prince Charming coming to rescue me from a dragon. I never dreamed of some great Disney-esque romance with a happily ever after. I rarely even played dress-up as a princess. In fact, I couldn't remember ever playing dress up as a princess! I actually called my mom from work to ask her because I was obsessing about it so much. She said I had, indeed, played princess dress-up, but it was only one of my many pretendings.
The only thing I can remember dressing up as because it's what I wanted to be was a warrior. Or a ninja. I'm not even kidding. When my friends would come over and play, they were the princess and I insisted on being their bodyguard, protecting them from whatever we imagined was after them. I have pictures of me standing behind the "princess" with a plastic sword and a scowl when I couldn't have been more than six.
I didn't think anything of it for years and years. In fact, I had totally forgotten it. Then, I read something that said the desire to be a princess and to play a part in some great romance and adventure was the very heart of femininity. I totally wigged out. Apparently, I can't even be feminine right! Unless loving long skirts and classical music makes me feminine, I'm screwed.
Even if I could get past the princess part, I can't get past this desire to have romance that I've missed out on. For as long as I can remember, I have never truly desired a romance. I'm pretty apathetic about it. I've had plenty of people I've cared about and a bare few I've loved, but I've never had the desire to be romanced. Ever. It seems insignificant to me. I see everything fairly logically and think with my head instead of my heart. Either someone loves you or they don't. It's something you'll know, even without frivolous candy and flowers, because they'll always have your back. To me, life is a fight -- you fight for your lifestyle, you fight for your beliefs, and you fight for your ideas. Having backup in that fight is what gives you the confidence to continue it. The pretend battles I once fought with a plastic sword are now real ones I fight with my mind, and right now, I'm fighting it alone. It's not that I am not capable of fighting it on my own believe me I do, it's that I know I and everyone else would be more confident with that extra bit of support.
Further proof? I find romance stories -- be they music, movies, or books -- absolutely sickening. No one behaves that way in real life, or, if they do, they're probably looking for something in my opinion anyway. You need a partner. Someone who trusts you to handle things on your own but will be there at the first sign of trouble. Believe it or not, my favorite example is Ichigo and Rukia from Bleach yes, I'm nerding here, but it is the best example no matter how you look at it. They fight and they bicker and they make each other furious, but they're best friends and they're always there for one another to the point of being willing to die. That's how it should be, I think. Not some kind of whirlwind love affair that means nothing when true adversity rears its ugly head. All the expensive gifts in the world don't mean anything if you're not ready to stand beside one another and fight even if it means death.
I may not be normal even by loose standards and I may have some pretty weird ideas about life, but I really think I'm right about this one. I don't need to be rescued. I need someone to fight with me.
Sumimasen...
that time it really does mean "I'm sorry."
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