Lessons learned today

1) if you need to iron something very quickly but don't have time to bust out the iron and board, a hair straightener works like duct tape on a broken window-- not really a permanent solution, but it gets the job done.

2) Pandora.com only allows you 40 hours of free music a month. I feel cheated. Unlimited free radio my ass.

3) I have learned more out of school than I ever did in school -- I never would have had time to start learning Japanese and definitely not digital painting if I were bogged down with homework.

4) walking around the block can end in a minor sunburn if you're really pale and live in a desert.

5) ALWAYS double check before you swing a bat at the heads of supposed "burglers." They just might be your lawn maintenance guys.

Sumimasen!

The Art Bug

If there is a disease for suddenly becoming addicted to drawing and painting, I have it. I have never before in my life been "good" at it I use that term loosely because I'm still not "great" but with all the practicing I've been doing, I'm really feeling good about it.

So good, in fact, that I'm feeling up to attempting digital painting.

I have spent the last few days reading tutorial after tutorial on techniques and all... I can comprehend it and don't think I'll have too much trouble for a beginner except for one thing:

My version of photoshop was released in the Stone Age. I have no graphics tablet, no advanced brushes... nothing. My poor little determined heart sank when I realized what I was missing.

Fortunately, I think I've found a few ways to circumnavigate it. By examining the tutorials, I realized that the brushes I have could be modified to be *close* to the ones recommended and, by using layers, I can achieve some of the same effects. It'll take more work and patience, but I think I can pull it off. I hope...

Anyway, here's the train of study I took, from cartoon to professional, in case anyone else has been wanting to get started or has been just wanting some extra reference...

1) Mark Crilley's YouTube tutorials: Basic structure and a lot of great eye tutorials. I couldn't draw a hand to save my life until I watched a few of his vids.

2) Dianae's Digital Painting tutorial: Amazing skin, eye, and effects tutorial. I plan to use it in my painting. A lot.

3) Leah Keeler's basic coloring tutorial: A grab-bag of quick reference quips. (she is my favorite artist)

4) Leah Keeler's hair painting tutorial: a basic instruction for hair painting that is made doubly awesome by her using Byakuya as her test subject. *glomp*

5) Dianae's hair painting tutorial: more in-depth than Leah's, but definitely takes way more time. I think I'll use a combination of the two for mine.

Even if no one looks at these, I felt it was only right to mention them since they've been such a great help. Arigato!

Sumimasen!

Soren and Rollin don't get paid vacations

You might notice I have dropped the -san honorific from their names. I realized I know them too well and get so angry at them that I don't want to give them an honorific. They're horrible pains-in-the-ass. Now especially.

All day, every day, they're buzzing in my head; rather, Soren is since Rollin specializes in dreams and big-picture plots while Soren is dominant in spur-of-the-moment and story details. Anyway, they're always nagging me with ideas. Write this or this, they say. But, when I actually sit down with my fingers to the keys, they totally shut up. Or go into insane hangover mode and talk rubbish.

This has led me to, not just writers' block, but full-out writers' drought. I got nothin' goin' on up there when it counts. I want desperately to pen or type, as it were my characters' lives. It was just the other day that Soren helped me create a few finer details to add to Leiliya, one of my main characters and my favorite. The problem is, I haven't even reached the point in the book where Leiliya even exists. After 11 years, I'm only a few pages into chapter three on my 822nd re-write. I'm at a total impasse with myself. I just don't know what to do anymore. Drawing keeps me from suffering stifled-creativity disease (SCD) which would eventually kill me, but I've had to stop drawing now in order to catch up on some of my digital coloring. I really hate leaving my drawings unfinished. Would that it were the same for my writing.

Should I ever get Aoudin and Leiliya's story written, it would either fall into obscurity probably driving me to inevitable suicide or become the next LOTR. Of course, it will always stay in my head, so I really don't think it's an issue...

Bah... I'm going to bed now, so it's Rollin's turn to nag me incessantly. At least I'll sleep harder with my new blackout curtains

Sumimasen!

Avalanche

When things go wrong, they all seem to go wrong at once. That's a weird fact of life that I've noticed. It's like you spend a few months climbing to the top of the mountain, only to be suddenly cast down by a violent avalanche. You can't just go a few feet down -- you have to go all the way down. But that's life. You fall and get back up and start climbing again, even though you know you're going to fall.

Oh well. Seems like after all this time climbing my family has finally been caught in the avalanche again. Within this past seven days, my great-grandfather died AND my mom and brother got in a wreck and Obamacare got passed if you wanna count that.

I'm fine personally, I guess. Nothing particularly good or bad ever happens to me for now at least. I'm gonna be doing a few more audition videos if I can focus long enough. I was gonna spend Saturday on it, but my great-grandpa's funeral is that day. I haven't been to a funeral in five years, I think... since my grandpa died, anyway. I really, really don't want anyone to get the wrong idea when I say this because I don't mean it cruelly, but I'm kind of looking forward to the funeral... Death was kind to my GGpa; he had been in a lot of pain before dying of a sudden, massive heart attack. So we're all thankful he didn't suffer. And... I get to go to a funeral. I'm fond of cemeteries. I start thinking about sleeping spirits and the Second Coming... and getting all excited. I'm such a weird mix of the morbid and the hopeful.

I could have lost my mom and brother today, though. If my mom had been a second slower on the uptake and not stomped the break when she did, they would have been squashed between two other cars. What had happened was that a car had just stopped on the freeway for no conceivable reason and the car in front of mom slammed on its breaks to keep from hitting it, which forced mom to slam on her breaks to avoid hitting them. Meanwhile, an inexperienced driver couldn't stop in time and slammed into my mother from behind. He hit her so hard, his van actually went up under her trailblazer. She said the van was totaled and he was taken to the hospital, but our car barely has a dent Chevy makes insanely tough vehicles. She's really freaked out about it still, but my brother has already moved on. He said his first thought was "I can't wait to tell Steph!" and the second was "Huh... Now I know how Burnout feels..." then he was chill. It made me laugh... Which ticked off Mom, but I agree with my brother -- why freak yourself out thinking about things that might have happened when they didn't?

Oh and the car that started the whole thing? It drove off like it didn't know anything had happened. Mom thinks it was an elderly person who really didn't know what had happened. :|

That's the life of me for now, I guess.

Sumimasen!

My Audition

If you haven't seen it on Facebook already, PLEASE watch my Lubbock's Got Talent audition here!!!!! I desperately need feedback before I have the confidence to submit it.

I will be yanking the audio so the video, crappy as it is, is not important. So this is your "if you comment on the video I'll stick a dead skunk in your closet" warning.

Uh... That's all...

Sumimasen!

I don't need to be rescued

Not going into the long explanation on how I wound up having this most random of thoughts in my mind it would take all night, I will jump right into this.

When I was little, I never wanted to be a princess. Never. I never thought about Prince Charming coming to rescue me from a dragon. I never dreamed of some great Disney-esque romance with a happily ever after. I rarely even played dress-up as a princess. In fact, I couldn't remember ever playing dress up as a princess! I actually called my mom from work to ask her because I was obsessing about it so much. She said I had, indeed, played princess dress-up, but it was only one of my many pretendings.

The only thing I can remember dressing up as because it's what I wanted to be was a warrior. Or a ninja. I'm not even kidding. When my friends would come over and play, they were the princess and I insisted on being their bodyguard, protecting them from whatever we imagined was after them. I have pictures of me standing behind the "princess" with a plastic sword and a scowl when I couldn't have been more than six.

I didn't think anything of it for years and years. In fact, I had totally forgotten it. Then, I read something that said the desire to be a princess and to play a part in some great romance and adventure was the very heart of femininity. I totally wigged out. Apparently, I can't even be feminine right! Unless loving long skirts and classical music makes me feminine, I'm screwed.

Even if I could get past the princess part, I can't get past this desire to have romance that I've missed out on. For as long as I can remember, I have never truly desired a romance. I'm pretty apathetic about it. I've had plenty of people I've cared about and a bare few I've loved, but I've never had the desire to be romanced. Ever. It seems insignificant to me. I see everything fairly logically and think with my head instead of my heart. Either someone loves you or they don't. It's something you'll know, even without frivolous candy and flowers, because they'll always have your back. To me, life is a fight -- you fight for your lifestyle, you fight for your beliefs, and you fight for your ideas. Having backup in that fight is what gives you the confidence to continue it. The pretend battles I once fought with a plastic sword are now real ones I fight with my mind, and right now, I'm fighting it alone. It's not that I am not capable of fighting it on my own believe me I do, it's that I know I and everyone else would be more confident with that extra bit of support.

Further proof? I find romance stories -- be they music, movies, or books -- absolutely sickening. No one behaves that way in real life, or, if they do, they're probably looking for something in my opinion anyway. You need a partner. Someone who trusts you to handle things on your own but will be there at the first sign of trouble. Believe it or not, my favorite example is Ichigo and Rukia from Bleach yes, I'm nerding here, but it is the best example no matter how you look at it. They fight and they bicker and they make each other furious, but they're best friends and they're always there for one another to the point of being willing to die. That's how it should be, I think. Not some kind of whirlwind love affair that means nothing when true adversity rears its ugly head. All the expensive gifts in the world don't mean anything if you're not ready to stand beside one another and fight even if it means death.

I may not be normal even by loose standards and I may have some pretty weird ideas about life, but I really think I'm right about this one. I don't need to be rescued. I need someone to fight with me.

Sumimasen...

that time it really does mean "I'm sorry."

I'm feeling deviant

Probably because I created a deviantART account. You can view it here.

I've been watching Mark Crilley art tutorials on YouTube and so far I've noticed a marked improvement in my work. I'm hoping if I throw it out to the wolves, I'll get enough constructive criticism to help me improve further. I'll venture out and start joining groups and stuff and maybe people will help me...

All this was mostly sparked by my purchase of Faber-Castell manga pens. They are the best thing I've bought in a long time. I love them so much. There're only seven of them, but they're just enough to do shadows and inking and shading galore. I'm having a great time practicing I'm excited by pens, how lame is that.

I won't be posting my art on Facebook or here anymore, probably, so if you wanna see it, you'll have to visit my deviantART account.

Uh... I guess that's it. I just wanted to talk about that...

Sumimasen!

Tonsil Trouble

As a singer, especially as a semi-opratic classical soprano, the absolute worst thing that can happen to you is to have throat surgery. It makes your throat and vocal chords tender during the duration of the recovery and, if not done properly or allowed to heal properly, can even cause permanent vocal damage. Also, for two or three weeks, you're pretty much down for the count.

I bring this up because I recently diagnosed myself with tonsillitis. Yes, myself. I'm not fond of doctors because if you aren't sick when you go in, you'll probably catch something while you're there. Besides, unless it's cancer, eventually it'll heal itself without spending $800 on visits and antibiotics. Usually. But I take the gamble. Plus, I prefer homeopathic solutions anyway.

I'm getting off-topic again.

Anyway, I was researching tonsillitis to see if my symptoms match. I have had a severe sore throat on only one side of my throat, mild headache, mild cold symptoms, and chronic stomach pain for about a week now without any sign of improvement. When I looked it up, I noticed all of those symptoms on the tonsillitis symptoms list. It doesn't take someone with a $100,000 medical degree to figure that one out. The good news is, it will usually go away by itself in a few weeks.

The bad news is I'm planning to enter a huge singing competition here and my audition is due in early April. I don't have a few weeks to spare and it hurts to talk right now, let alone sing.

After doing some research on a tonsillectomy's impact on vocalists it's apparently not only my concern, I was pleasantly surprised to find that the majority of sources said 20% of people found a dramatic improvement in their voice, most noticed the acoustics of their voice were stronger, and none reported damage. Suddenly, I want surgery, despite the "moderate to severe" pain that follows for two to four weeks. I'd even opt for it now to improve my acoustics for the audition, except for the recovery time, which wouldn't be over in time for me to condition my voice or get used to the new feeling of it vocals are like anything else, you have to train for them. All that and the expense, which is the biggest problem... I could suck up the pain in my throat and practice, but I can't suck up the pain in my wallet and pay.

When things slow down, I think I will get them removed, even if this bout clears up. I think the chance of increased vocal performance far outweighs the expense and pain that comes with it. I want to do this professionally for the rest of my life if I have to drag myself to Finland to scare up a band the best ones seem to come from there. A little effort just shows I'm committed.

I wish it could be before the contest, but there's really no way.

Sumimasen!

Musing. Not Soren/Rollin kind

I had thought about writing something since it'd been several days, but I couldn't think of anything that would hold my attention. So I decided to do a little online window-shopping for when I have money to blow right now it's all on debt account and will be paid to me whenever my parents can afford it.

I was pretty excited. I googled "victorian gothic clothing" and a whole ton of beautiful clothes pulled up! I got all giddy and started throwing my imaginary money around like Ivana Trump on speed with a dash of Paris Hilton. Medieval blouses with lace-up fronts and long, flowing sleeves; long, lacy skirts with etched hems; gloves and capes and parasols...! I even found a dress that looked exactly like the generic one I always draw my cartoon self in I want it. I was in window shopping heaven. I started bookmarking stuff like mad, already budgeting how I could buy all this a little at a time and slowly build up my dream wardrobe which now consists of four skirts and three blouses *tear*.

Then I noticed something. All of the prices on every website were in British pounds. I felt that uncomfortable sinking feeling you get when you know you're in for a let-down. Sure enough, none of the websites I had been looking at delivered to the US, and there are apparently no good ones in the US. I looked and looked. And, just for a change of pace, I looked some more. Nothing.

Thus, for the first time, I truly wished I were a little more normal and able to buy my clothes easily. Yet, I'm stuck in an endless gravitational pull to multiple places. I have European tastes when it comes to music and clothing, a Japanese code of honor from my studies, and a Texan's pride and heritage. Those things should never mix. They create one weirdass, mixed-up person who can't seem to figure out her niche. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy being a little "out-there" I just wish it were easier.

I don't want to hear anyone say I'm not "girly." I just make my own special brand of girly.

Guess that's all about that.

In other news, we had a thundersnow today. I almost fainted from joy. Thunder AND snow at the same time?!?! Can the world contain that much awesome?!?! Apparently, it can because we're still here. My world sure was rocked, though.

Also, I found out that they're only making ten episodes of Yamato Nadeshiko Shichi Henge. Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaat?!?! So they canceled the perfectly-fine anime to make a drama that should have been a comedy and then cancel it? I don't even have hope that they'll start the anime back up. If the stupid writers had made the lead characters a bit more like their actual selves instead of dramaqueens, I think it would have gone better... I don't know. But I'm pretty pissed about it. :|

Also, I want to point out that when I say Sumimasen! at the end of every post, I mean it in the "excuse me" tense and not the "I'm sorry" tense because that wouldn't make sense. As in "excuse me, I'm off!" It can go either way.

Sumimasen!

Shutter Island Review

The book, not the movie. I haven't seen the movie yet.

***

Shutter Island by Dennis Lehane

I'm not gonna bother with a plot synopsis. I had to do those in school and didn't like it, so there's no way I'll do it for "fun." Instead, I'll include what was written in the book jacket:

Summer 1954

U.S. Marshal Teddy Daniels has come to Shutter Island, home of Ashecliffe Hospital for the Criminally Insane. Along with his partner, Chuck Aule, he sets out to find an escaped patient, a murderess named Rachel Solando, as a hurricane bears down upon them.

But nothing at Ashecliffe Hospital is what it seems.

And neither is Teddy Daniels.

Is he there to find a missing patient? Of has he been sent to look into rumors of Ashecliffe's radical approach to psychiatry? An approach that may include drug experimentation, hideous surgical trials, and lethal countermoves in the shadow war against Soviet brainwashing...

Or is there another, more personal reason why he has come there?

As the investigation deepens, the questions only mount:

How has a barefoot woman escaped the island from a locked room?

Who is leaving clues in the form of cryptic codes?

Why is there no record of a patient committed there just one year before?

What really goes on in Ward C?

Why is an empty lighthouse surrounded by an electrified fence and armed guards?

The closer Teddy and Chuck get to the truth, the more elusive it becomes, and the more they begin to believe that they may never leave Shutter Island.

Because someone is trying to drive them insane...

Ok, now that that's over, I get to move on to my actual opinion of the book.

The first thing I noticed about it was something that followed me throughout the entire reading experience: The complete disbelief that the book was ever allowed to be published in the first place. Lehane has shocking disregard for all of the fundamental rules of writing. Run-on sentences leap madly off the pages, incomplete thoughts abound, and the characters' uses of modern terms (as well as constant dropping of the f-bomb) suggest that Lehane spent much more time researching the psychiatry to be used in the story than the actual historical period the story encompasses.

Still, all of that pales in comparison to the dialogue.

The story itself is deep and fantastic, however most of the finer and more important plot points are revealed in dialogue. This is highly unfortunate since the dialogue was so badly written, any normal self-respecting publisher should have immediately suffered from explosive vomiting after reading the first few examples of it. Lehane rarely ever annotates who's actually talking, so it's extremely easy to get confused. Especially when you have page after page of nothing BUT dialogue and absolutely no indication of who's saying what. I was frequently frustrated when I'd be trying to read the next great revelation and suddenly got yanked out of the story by confusion and have to go back and reread the last few pages to try to figure it out. No story should ever pull the reader OUT of the story. It prevents you from getting the full impact.

And the impact would have been huge, so it was a major loss.

I had already been writing this post in my head before I finished the book, eagerly planning on harping every detail and complaining that it wasn't even frightening because the writing was so choppy, I couldn't picture it well enough to be scared. I even believe I used the words "tripe" and "drivel" in describing it to my mom yesterday.

The ending, however, makes it worth it all. It was totally unexpected, even for me, and remained unpredictable to the bitter end. It was brilliant and deliciously disturbing, as well as actually having believable credence given the current state of pharmacology in psychiatry. The ending also conveyed a sense of tragedy and hopelessness I haven't read in a thriller that I thought was refreshing compared to the inevitable "happy ending" that all media usually embrace. Because, let's face it, you're not guaranteed a happy ending in life and this adds a somber touch of realism to everything.

All in all, I give Shutter Island a 6 out of 10. I desperately wish I could give it at least an 8, but I can't get the thought of those horrible dialogue strings and writing faux pas out of my head. To be honest, I'm being generous in giving it a 6 instead of a 5. I just think that ending deserves bonus points.

It's worth a read, definitely, but it's a good example that just because something is a best-seller doesn't mean it's better than all the other books out there.

Smokey's latest news

Yesterday, I finally fulfilled my promise of over a year ago. I took Smokey to the car wash. Yes, over a year. I could try to make the excuse that I haven't had MONEY to take him to a carwash before now, but that would be a lie mostly. It's that I've been too lazy.

Well, that and I was doing it to spite my dad, who PROMISED to get Smokey detailed in the fall of '08 after a huge lovebug insurgence (for those of you who don't know, lovebugs are the spawn of Satan and ruin your clearcoat). After promising to do this, he never did. So, for over a year, I have bugged him and bugged him to do it, but he always told me to do it myself. So I didn't take Smokey to wash in order to spite my dad.

Poor little fella. He's the only one who really lost.

So I took him to Quick Quack car wash yesterday and bought him the BEST wash they had to offer. Then, as the track was pulling us through, I thoroughly cleaned out the interior and gathered up years worth of garbage to throw away. After all that, he looked like new again and put on a happy face yes, my car smiles. He even revved his engine a little more at a passing Camaro, but I don't know if she noticed. Fortunately, Smokey didn't seem to mind. His ego was inflated past the point of defeat.

This morning, it rained.

Now he's pissed at me. Smokey, I did NOT know it was gonna rain and mess up your wash! I will take you back on Monday and get the free one. Just don't growl at me!

I know I'm a bit weird about my car. Almost like a guy. But I do love the little fella. He's a super bishie and always listens to me. Considering that when we lived in Livingston, I had to drive an hour every day to get anywhere, Smokey and I spent a LOT of time together. He was almost like a boyfriend, but better since he would listen. It's nice to be working again and spending time with him.

I will take him to be washed every week so he stays happy.

Sumimasen!

The ramblings of one high on ten jalapeno cream cheese poppers

In case you don't know, a popper is a fried crust stuffed with jalapenos and either cream or cheddar cheese. Since I absolutely despise cheddar, we always get cream.

They are number 3 on my list of favorite foods, trailing only pizza and barbeque stuffed potatoes.

Anyway, I don't know exactly when I broke my promise never to use this as an online journal, but that's what it is. I'm rather mortified. On the other hand, I rarely get to talk to some people anymore and this is the quickest way to tell everyone everything without having to repeat it a dozen times in the event we DO talk. I also assure myself that since I don't actually discuss my deeper feelings, I'm not really revealing anything about myself. So that's ok. I reserve that for the two or three people I feel most comfortable with sucks for you.

I am really excited about starting Shutter Island tomorrow! The first time I saw the movie trailer, I knew I had to see that movie. It looks deliciously creepy, which is exactly the kind of thing that I love not that I'm whacked in the head or anything. Once I found out that it was based on a book, I immediately went into defense mode-- I never EVER watch a book-movie unless I've read the book first. Mom drilled that into my head since the time I was small. So I immediately went to the library and, upon finding them all checked out no thanks to the movie, I placed one on reserve and finally picked it up today. It's killing me waiting to read it, but I want to save it until I'm alone at work after I've finished all my assignments OR until I can hole up in a dark room and read it by candlelight. The second option would be better for enjoyment and atmosphere, of course, but the former is more practical. Plus, being able to read at work is one of the reasons I dug my library card out of the dust bunnies. It would be defeating the purpose to read it anywhere else.

Next is Stephen King's It, if I can get my paws on it. I'm dying to read Dreamcatcher, but it's a sequel. Policy number two of reading is never to read a sequel first.

To continue my pointless tirade, I found out today that my brother hates Poe's The Raven. I was utterly mortified Soren-san's feelings were also hurt. The Raven is one of my absolute favorite poems. Ever. I love everything about it: The subject, the rhythm, and especially that famous singular word "Nevermore." It gives me chills up and down my spine. My brother shall have to be instructed in the ways of Poe. No brother of mine can go without a thorough appreciation for the two best poets in history-- Edgar Allan Poe and Toumas Holopainen I'm sure I misspelled that. Hehe... I just noticed both of them used the Pendulum in some of what I think are their greatest works. The Pit and the Pendulum and The Poet and the Pendulum the latter drawing from the former, of course.

I watched the newest subbed episode of Yamato Nadeshiko Shichihenge and was thoroughly satisfied. They brought Tamao in, finally, so there was a lot of hilarity involving her and Ranmaru. This episode proved to me that Miyao-san is the best actor of the bunch. He can do Ranmaru's cheesy flourishes and still come off looking genuine. I was in stitches. Furthermore, I think Kame-kun (Kyohei) smiled more in this episode than in all the others combined. I do love it when he smiles so sexy. They recreated a bunch of my favorite manga bits, as well, by getting them all drunk and freaking out. Drunk Sunako and Kyohei usually provided some of my biggest laughs in the manga. All in all, this was definitely my favorite episode so far. They did Kyohei's batsh*t crazy mother extremely well while still making her sympathetic. I was pleased. Plus both Omasa-chan and Kame-kun look much more like Sunako and Kyohei now that they've cut their hair.

Time to go and attempt sleep. I'm hoping that eating ten jalapeno-stuffed poppers will give me a wild and crazy night. I haven't had a good, bracing nightmare in awhile. I think I don't get them because in my head, they're interesting and not to be avoided, so my mind sees giving me "normal" dreams as the equivalent of giving normal people nightmares. Did that make sense?

Well, hopefully stimulation will help. Jalapenos, do your thing.

Sumimasen!

I hate people

No offense, but I really do. Usually.

There are few things in this world that I hate worse than customer interaction. Just having to smile and laugh and pretend I care even one iota about them is so irritating. It makes me feel like a cheerleader-- totally fake and shallow. No offense to real cheerleaders since I just use that as my stereotype for the aforementioned fake and shallow I could say GothLolis but not everyone knows what that is. So I'll stick with cheerleader. Plus, I'm terrified of pink.

Back on topic now...

Anyway, I had to work the trade show again today and it was nothing but miles and miles of PEOPLE. Big people, small people; old people, young people; people interested in our product, people only interested in entering all the free give-aways. People EVERYWHERE. I was having a total meltdown. Usually, I can't take more than 20 people in a setting without getting edgy. There were hundreds crowding us at all times. I always have bad social battery life, but this time it was exceptionally bad. It only took two hours to reach 50% battery, and I still had four to go by that point.

I managed to secure some errand-running time that let me be alone. That helped me recharge enough to last those last few hours. Also, in the booth, once I realized there was a three-foot-wide table between me and all those people, I calmed down a bit and the battery life increased but the bright lights and noise were still brutal. Even so, by the time I finally got to head home, I was in the red zone, in danger of a spontaneous system shutdown. My social battery must have been at only 2%.

As I write this, I have turned off all my lights, so I'm surrounded by comfortable, lonely darkness. For once, I have no music on, so it's quiet. I'm slooooowly trying to recharge my battery in time for the last day of the show, which will be from noon tomorrow until six PM. I pray to God I can last that long without having a total meltdown.

I'll need some intense solitude if I want to keep successfully pretending to like the people...

Sumimasen!

They don't know what they're getting into

Men don't, I mean.

They really don't. They get it in their heads that they're interested in me without even knowing me. Like, today, I was working at the local Home and Garden show with the parents/bosses to promote our business and the guy in the booth across from us kept looking like he had something he reaaally wanted to say. My mother looked at me and said bluntly "If he asks you out, don't be mean to him."

We have this conversation regularly, though she never seems to get the memo that I WON'T be mean as long as they aren't being overconfident asses about it. I'll just politely turn them down and go on my way. If they ARE being asses, though... Hell hath no fury like me when annoyed by some guy who thinks he could own a harem.

Part of why I love being a "goth" so much I hate labels, but according to society, that's what I am is that people think twice before messing with me. I still get looks, but they're more "clear the way" looks than interested looks.

Sometimes I wonder what would happen if I DID accept a date offer. I would want a hidden camera because it would be pretty amusing. What are your hobbies? Uh... reading horror novels or manga, making gothic-period jewelry, and listening to symphonic metal. What is your ambition? Travel all over the world with a band and live a no-ties, free-spirited lifestyle. Do you have any close friends? Sort of, they're two muses named Soren and Rollin they don't like your haircut, by the way.

Or something like that.

Fortunately, other-booth-guy hasn't said anything yet. To prevent this, I'm gonna break from the "professional" wardrobe I attempted today and go back to my comfy black garb, despite my poor mother's protests. I'll feel much more confident anyway. I kept getting told I looked like Sarah Palin today it was the glasses. Though I respect Palin, I'd rather not look like a 40-yr-old while I'm still 20. No offense and all that. That's just not me.

P.S. I have been experimenting with backgrounds obviously and I think I finally found one I really love. It gives me lovely chills and makes me feel peaceful all at the same time.

Sumimasen!

Birthday Tribute

Today is the birthday of my favorite mangaka, Hayakawa Tomoko-sama! Normally, I would only think "oh that's nice" and go about my day without arranging a ridiculously long and probably incriminating in a nerd trial tribute, but Hayakawa-sama is also a great inspiration to me. After reading her work, I realized that you CAN mix serious and comedic art styles. Duh. I don't know why that never struck me. Anything that I draw from this point forward will be thanks to her. Not to mention, her writing is impeccable. Her manga, Perfect Girl Evolution, has made me laugh harder than anything else I've ever read, even to the point of crying the contacts out of my eyes. Arigato, thank you, Hayakawa-sama, for helping me laugh in a very, very difficult time in my life. Ai, heiwa, kouun!!!!!

So, as a birthday tribute, even though I know she will never see it but it's the thought that counts, right? I will be posting some of my favorite bits from her manga.

1 - Three funniest story-advancing chapters.

3rd: Chapters 91 and 92 - The Path to Becoming a Dark Lady 1 & 2

- Sunako goes to a Halloween party with her aunt and meets a real vampire. When he offers to make her a vampire as well, Sunako is overjoyed at the thought of becoming "one" with the darkness. Kyohei attempts to rescue her, which she resents completely.

2nd: Chapters 79 and 80 - Capture the Princess and House Arrest! Beautiful Sacrifice!

- Two parts. The Landlady takes Sunako and the boys to visit the fictional country of Grimel, where Sunako accepts a marriage proposal (but doesn't realize it) from the prince after he promised to give her all of his torture devices and take her on walks through old burial grounds and a supposedly haunted tower. After a confused Sunako is pulled away from her marriage ceremony by Kyohei (who realized she had no idea what she was doing), the prince has Kyohei detained and locked in a tower. Sunako hears him screaming and goes to investigate, then mistakenly believes the prince locked him up to be a human sacrifice, which thoroughly excites her and disappoints the other three boys, who assumed she had gone looking for him because she was worried.

1st: Chapter 74 - That's the Dreamy First Love

- Noi initiates a "shoujo manga" attack on Sunako and Kyohei, hoping to make them believe they love each other, while holding the lobsters they wanted to eat hostage. With the lobsters as leverage, she forces them to go through cliched "meeting" scenes, such as reaching for the same book or bumping "accidentally" into one another, and eventually locks them in a room together. After they break out of the room, she consents to give them the lobsters back, declaring them a "hopeless case." Kyohei later realizes that Sunako is the only person who actually "knows" him and he kisses her, which causes her to have a massive nosebleed and lose 2/3 of her blood, resulting in recurring anemia and Sunako's funny sadistic wrath against Kyohei in following chapters.

2- Five funniest omake chapters. Very hard to narrow down since over 75% of the manga could be classified as "omake" and they are usually the funniest chapters anyway...

Japanese note: an omake is a bonus that you get for purchasing something else.

5th: Chapters 27 and 58 - Oui, Monseiur! and Sweet Typhoon (tie)

- Sunako eats poisonous mushrooms and hallucinates that she's a lady, but the boys don't know how to treat her.

- Sunako and Kyohei are left alone to deal with a hurricane and get trapped in the basement.

4th: Chapter 33 - Cherry Blossoms

- Sunako believes there are corpses buried under cherry trees and causes trouble.

3rd: Chapters 65 and 64 - The Hazardous Return of Valentine's Day and Pheromone BOMB (tie)

- Sunako and the boys go to a mountain cabin to escape Valentine's Day mayhem, but something follows them...

- Kyohei conks heads with Ranmaru and absorbs his personality, causing disaster.

2nd: Chapter 94 - The Seasoned Pro's Paradise

- Ranmaru's father attempts to break his son of womanizing.

1st: Chapter 57 - Let's Go to School

- A thoroughly pointless chapter stuffed to the brim with random funnies.

3: A few of my favorite scenes (it would be impossible to find them all)

Note: manga is read from right to left instead of left to right

Well, I suppose that's all. Happy Birthday, Hayakawa-sama! Have many, many more! I hope your friends take you to see Kyoharu for your birthday.

Watashi kimi wa aisuru!!!

Sumimasen!

More observations on ghosts

If you've been following my blog for awhile, you'll know that I have a fascination with ghosts. Not necessarily ghosts themselves, but the mere idea of them. The thought that they might possibly exist and walk among us unseen, based on the Scriptures mentioning the "rest" of death before the Second Coming.

If you haven't been following, you can read my previous thoughts here.

Anyway, I recently finished reading Odd Thomas by Dean Koontz. Normally, Koontz is third on my hierarchy of suspense/horror writers trailing Ted Dekker and Stephen King, but this one really piqued my interest thanks to it's subject matter don't worry, this isn't a book review. I bet there's no way in hell you can guess what it was. I mean, I didn't mention it in the title or anything.

Give up? Ghosts!

No way. You guessed. I'm disappointed.

Well, anyway, in the book, the character Odd Thomas can see ghosts when no one else can, but he's baffled by their mannerisms. They never speak or try to make any kind of verbal communication with the living. When they sense he can see them, they would regularly communicate with him using "impressions," as he calls them, to convey to him some need or feeling.

After feeling a number of these impressions throughout his life, he understands that only spirits with a fear or denial of their own death, or with some sort of unfinished business such as seeing their murderer brought to justice remain in our plane of existence.

That got me thinking about my previous assertions involving insomniac spirits. I know I don't sleep well if something has me agitated. I toss and turn, break things, or pace the floor until something happens to soothe my riled conscience. If death is but a rest, is this not likely for the dead as well? If something had them agitated before their death, such as a murder, wouldn't it be logical for them to be unable to rest peacefully?

It's fairly the same in Kubo Tite's famous manga series Bleach. Kubo-sama who writes the best "ghost stories" ever claims that spirits are unable to pass on if they're tied to the world by regret or fear. Except, in Bleach, if the spirits don't release the ties binding them to their past lives, they will not just continue to exist, but become malevolent spirits and seek to harm that which bound them in order to fill the void that formed in their soul.

Couldn't it also be the same in our case without the "malevolent spirit" part though I will have to ponder this some more? Could, after our death, we not be bound to something that prevents us from getting our eternal sleep? People always talk about "living without regrets" but why? If we just immediately pass over to another world where we don't even remember these regrets, what's the point? Could it be because maybe people know deep down that they won't be able to rest if they have regrets?

Interesting, interesting. Forgive my ramblings. Gomen nasai...

Sumimasen!

It's Monday. Really, it is!

Ok, I'm only saying that to avoid being a liar oh the irony. Oh well. Fine, it's Tuesday.

I completed a couple of pointless drawings as practice and thought they were rather good for me. Without further ado...

Did you admire the wings in the second panel? If not, go admire them, dammit. They took me two hours to draw and shade.

I was really disappointed in how the coloring looks. I spent a lot of time shading and coloring carefully. But, since our scanner has a personal vendetta against me, it tends to give everything a sickly grey color. Even though I cleaned it on photoshop, it still looks off.

Oh well, I tried. I almost gave myself a nosebleed drawing it as it was.

When I scanned it the first time, I noticed something weird. The cartoon on the next page was showing up, too! I was like... What the L? No seriously... it's L. I'll post it later :P Anyway, I had to put a sheet of paper between all the pages.

The hiragana is just cawing and howling so don't freak out thinking you've missed something...

Well. There you have it. Practice one-shot number one. No applause. Just send cash. Really, I need cash...

Sumimasen!